changes

I am not a perfect teacher. Most of the time I feel I am a very poor teacher. I try. I'll try new things. I'll tweak old things. I'll watch others. I've tried to soak up all the teaching knowledge I can get my hands on. Well, I've had a 3 week break recently. We do schooling all year with 4 breaks each 3 weeks long. It is nice but this time I think I've failed. I planned to do some things differently, but after just a few days I see myself already slipping back into a few old habits I didn't want to continue. I'm taking the easy path but I know it will only make things worse. The problem is how hard it can be to change things after you've begun. Teachers should be consistent. Especially in a setting where kids don't have consistency in their personal home lives. I'm afraid to try and implement the changes now because I know some will backlash against me and their behavior/motivation will go down the drain. But I think it is one of those things that has to be done. If I don't do it then everyone will suffer. If I do it, then the suffering will be bad for a while.

That is the thing about teaching in prison. I've known teachers to give out candy as a reward. Not necessarily a bad idea, but here is the problem. In prison they don't think like we do. They don't think like even the normal bad kids in school think. Once you give someone a candy bar, they all want it. They don't want to earn it, they just want it. Then you have problems. So teachers stop giving out candy and things only worsen. We struggle constantly with wanting to reward kids but trying not to make it a problem while doing it.

I love my job and feel I can make a great impact on those kids, but nothing in my life has every assured me more of one basic fact: You can't save them all. You can not. If you think you can, then you haven't seen them all because some are destined to fail. I'm amazed at how much support someone can get only to throw it back in your faces. I know some of you will have stories about reaching those hard to read kids. I know. It happens. Just not always. It is sad. No, it is sad to see an 18 year old that can't read at all. But to see that 18 year old not care and not take help is........I don't think I have the words. Goodnight. It is too much to talk about and I'm tired.